Tell Me What You Want tackles the pervasive shame, guilt, and anxiety we feel about our sexual fantasies by revealing just how normal (and common) our deepest desires actually are. It uses the largest-ever survey of American sexual fantasies to scientifically prove that our desires for things like group sex, BDSM, and novelty are incredibly common, giving us the data-backed permission we need to better understand and communicate our needs.
Tell Me What You Want is built on a massive, comprehensive survey of 4,175 Americans aged 18 to 87 , which included over 350 questions about everything from their biggest fantasies to their personalities and sexual histories.
Tell Me What You Want is best for curious individuals, couples stuck in a rut, and anyone who has ever felt “weird” or “broken” because of their sexual thoughts. Not for: Readers seeking a titillating exposé (it’s science-heavy) or those who are uncomfortable with explicit, data-driven discussions of taboo topics.
Overview
It’s a question that haunts millions, leading to what Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller calls “a legacy of sex shame”. We tuck our deepest desires away in the “deepest recesses of our minds”, fearing judgment not just from our partners, but from ourselves. This silence, this gap in our sexual knowledge, is precisely what Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life aims to fill.
This book isn’t just another sex manual; it’s a comprehensive, data-driven exploration of what Americans really want when the lights go out. Using the largest survey of sexual fantasies ever conducted, Lehmiller provides a voice to the desires “that we secretly love but have been taught to loathe”.
It’s a groundbreaking work that seeks to replace fear with facts.
My own journey through this book was nothing short of eye-opening.
I, like many, carried a certain amount of cultural baggage about what constitutes a “normal” or “healthy” fantasy. I was astounded by the sheer commonality of desires I’d previously thought were “fringe.” Lehmiller’s work provides an almost immediate sense of relief, validating the complex inner worlds of millions. This article will serve as a deep dive into Tell Me What You Want, exploring its core findings, its profound implications for our relationships, and why it’s a crucial read. We’ll analyze the science of sexual desire that Lehmiller presents, examining the data that can help you improve your sex life.
By the end, you’ll have a thorough understanding of the book’s critical message. It’s time to stop repressing and start expressing.
Let’s explore the science of our secret longings.
Table of Contents
1. Introduction: Decoding Our Desires
The book at the center of our discussion is Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life, published in July 2018.
Its author is Justin J. Lehmiller, PhD, a research fellow at The Kinsey Institute and a leading expert on human sexuality. Lehmiller runs the popular blog Sex and Psychology, where he has long observed a pattern of “Fantasy, Fear, and Freud”. This book is the culmination of his work, moving from anecdotal evidence to a massive, quantitative study.
This is a non-fiction work, sitting squarely in the categories of psychology, sociology, and self-help. It’s an academic-lite text, accessible to a general audience but backed by rigorous methodology.
The book’s central purpose is clear: to destigmatize our sexual fantasies by arming us with data.
Lehmiller argues that “a lot of sexual desires have been deemed unusual despite being anything but”.
He directly challenges the lingering Freudian notion that “a happy person never fantasizes, only a dissatisfied one”. Instead, Lehmiller posits that fantasizing is a near-universal human trait. The book intends to provide a new, healthier framework, arguing that understanding our fantasies can “enhance your own sexual and romantic life”. He achieves this by presenting the results of his landmark survey of over four thousand Americans. His goal is to “help break down the barriers to discussing sexual fantasies that exist in your own life”.
This isn’t just about titillation; it’s about public health. Lehmiller makes a compelling case that our collective shame about desire is “actively harmful to Americans’ sex lives and relationships”.
Here is a broad, extended summary of the main points, arguments, themes, and lessons from the provided text of Tell Me What You Want by Justin J. Lehmiller.
2. Summary of Tell Me What You Want
1. The Core Problem: A Legacy of Sex Shame
The central argument of the book is that American society is suffering from a “legacy of sex shame” that is actively harmful to our health and relationships. Author Justin J. Lehmiller, PhD, begins by noting that many people are deeply afraid of their own sexual desires, fearing shame and embarrassment if they were ever revealed.
He argues this shame is not an accident but has been cultivated for centuries by “political, religious, and medical authorities” who have defined “acceptable” sexual desire in an extremely narrow way (specifically, penile-vaginal intercourse within a heterosexual, monogamous marriage).
A major source of this shame, Lehmiller argues, is the mental health community itself. Starting with Sigmund Freud, who famously believed that “a happy person never fantasizes, only a dissatisfied one”, psychology has a history of pathologizing desire. This continues today through the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), which classifies many desires as “paraphilias”. These include common BDSM practices like sadism and masochism, cross-dressing (transvestism), and fetishism.
Lehmiller points out that this tendency to label desires is often “freewheeling, arbitrary” and unscientific. Other “official” lists of paraphilias include desires as common as using obscene language (coprolalia), using food during sex (sitophilia), and even desiring novelty or change (neophilia).
The consequences of this stigmatization are severe:
- It leads to shame, embarrassment, and anxiety about our desires.
- This shame prevents us from talking about sex, leading to poor communication.
- This, in turn, contributes to sexual performance difficulties (like trouble with arousal or orgasm) and major relationship problems, including breakups and divorce.
Lehmiller argues that many people suffering from “low sex drive” are not biologically broken; rather, they are experiencing “internalized shame” and a “lack of sexual communication”. The solution, he posits, is not a pill, but “permission to share what it is that really turns us on”.
2. The Solution: The Largest-Ever Survey of Sexual Fantasies
To combat this shame with data, Lehmiller conducted the largest and most comprehensive survey of Americans’ sexual fantasies ever undertaken.
The study was a massive undertaking, involving:
- A Diverse Sample: 4,175 Americans from all 50 states.
- A Wide Age Range: Participants ranged in age from 18 to 87.
- A Comprehensive Questionnaire: The survey included over 350 questions , collecting detailed fantasy narratives, sexual histories, psychological profiles, and demographic data.
While the sample was recruited via social media and skewed slightly younger, more educated, and more affluent than the national average, participants’ actual sexual histories (like age of first sex and number of partners) were “right in line” with national averages.
Key Survey Findings at a Glance
- Fantasies are Universal: 97% of Americans surveyed reported having sexual fantasies, with the vast majority (96%) having them somewhere between several times per week and several times per day. To fantasize is to be human.
- Group Sex is #1: The single most common favorite fantasy theme was group sex. 89% of participants reported fantasizing about threesomes.
- BDSM is Extremely Common: Sadomasochism (linking pleasure and pain) is also incredibly popular. 60% have fantasized about inflicting pain, and 65% have fantasized about receiving pain.
- We Want Our Partners, Not Celebrities: We fantasize about our current partners far more often (51% “often”) than celebrities (7% “often”).
- Porn Has an Influence: 1 in 7 participants said their biggest fantasy came from porn. Porn consumption is linked to fantasized body types (e.g., more porn watched by straight men is linked to fantasies of larger breasts).
- Republicans Fantasize About Taboo Acts More: Compared to Democrats, Republicans were more likely to fantasize about acts considered “immoral,” such as infidelity and orgies, or “taboo,” like voyeurism
- Few People Act on Them: Less than one-third (32%) of participants had ever acted out their biggest sexual fantasy.
3. The Seven Themes of the “American Id”
From the survey data, Lehmiller identified seven broad themes that categorize the “vast majority” of all fantasies submitted. These themes, listed from most to least common, reveal what the “American id” truly desires.
1. Multipartner Sex
This was the single most popular fantasy category. Fantasies of group sex are so common that only 5% of men and 13% of women reported never having one.
- Threesomes: This is the magic number and the most common form of group sex fantasy.
- Why? Participants rated the activity itself as the most important part of the fantasy, more so than the specific partners or the setting. Lehmiller suggests the appeal is about “sensory overload” and “amping up our arousal”.
- Orgies/Gangbangs: Fantasies involving four or more partners were also reported by a majority of both men and women.
2. Power, Control, and Rough Sex (BDSM)
Rivaling group sex in popularity, BDSM fantasies are “a very normal sexual desire”. Only 4% of women and 7% of men had never had a BDSM fantasy.
- Bondage: Fantasies of physical restraint (e.g., handcuffs, being tied up) are the most popular BDSM component, with over 75% of participants reporting them.
- Dominance & Submission: Fantasies about submission (ceding control) are more common than fantasies about dominance (taking control).
- Sadism & Masochism: Fantasies about masochism (receiving mild to moderate pain) are more common than fantasies about sadism (giving pain).
- Forced Sex Fantasies: This common but controversial fantasy was reported by nearly two-thirds of women and more than half of men. Lehmiller clarifies that these are fantasies of “mock rape” or “token resistance”. The fantasizer remains in complete control and knows they are safe, which is what makes the scenario arousing.
3. Novelty, Adventure, and Variety
This theme involves fantasies about trying new acts, having sex in new locations, or having surprising encounter.
- New Acts: Fantasies about oral and anal sex, or new positions (with “doggy style” being the most frequent). This also includes food play (e.g., whipped cream, chocolate) and sex toys (e.g., blindfolds, strap-ons).
- New Settings: The most common novel setting was having sex in public. The appeal here is the “thrill that one could potentially be observed or caught”. Lehmiller explains this via psychology: we can mistake strong emotions like fear for sexual arousal. Other popular locations included the beach, outdoors, and the shower.
These “Big Three” themes are all united by a desire for variety. Lehmiller explains this is a natural human response to the Coolidge Effect: our sexual arousal tends to “lessen over time in response to the same sexual stimulus”. Novelty is the solution to this habituation.
4. Taboo and Forbidden Sex
These are fantasies about “forbidden fruit”—activities that are illegal, considered “disgusting,” or classified as paraphilias.
- Voyeurism: The most common taboo fantasy, reported by 60% of participants, involves watching others undress or have sex without their knowledge.
- Fetishism: Nearly half of participants (45%) reported fetish fantasies, or arousal from nonsexual objects or specific body parts. This can include clothing (like Lycra) or body parts not typically seen as sexual (like feet).
- Exhibitionism: This involves exposing one’s genitals or having sex while others watch. Consensual exhibitionism (wanting others to watch and enjoy) was four times more common than the nonconsensual type (flashing).
5. Partner Sharing and Nonmonogamous Relationships
This theme is related to group sex but focuses more on the relationship structure.
- Consensual vs. Cheating: Fantasies about consensual nonmonogamy (CNM) were ten times more common than fantasies about infidelity or cheating. This suggests we desire mutual agreement, not deception.
- Forms of CNM: The most common fantasy was an open relationship (79% of men, 62% of women) , followed by polyamory (multiple romantic partners) , swinging (partner swapping) , and cuckolding/troilism (watching one’s partner have sex with someone else).
6. Intimacy, Romance, and Passion
This theme demonstrates that fantasies are not just about “sexual debauchery”; they are also about deep emotional connection. These fantasies help fulfill our fundamental “need to belong”. They often focus on a specific person and fall into two types:
- Passion/Lust: Fantasies focused on intense sexual attraction and feeling “sexually irresistible”.
- Love/Intimacy: Fantasies focused on strengthening an emotional bond or expressing deep feelings through sex.
7. Erotic Flexibility (Homoeroticism and Gender-Bending)
The final theme involves fantasies that “bend” or reject rigid notions of gender and sexual orientation.
- Gender-Bending: Fantasies about cross-dressing , or fantasies about physically becoming the other sex (autogynephilia/autoandrophilia). It also includes fantasies about having a transgender or cross-dressing partner.
- Sexual Flexibility (Homoeroticism): Fantasies that are inconsistent with one’s stated sexual orientation. The most striking finding: 59% of exclusively straight women reported fantasies about sex with other women. In contrast, only 26% of exclusively straight men reported fantasies about sex with other men.
4. Why Our Fantasies Matter
Lehmiller concludes by arguing that this data is the key to improving our sex lives. The core problem for most people is not a lack of desire, but a lack of knowledge and a surplus of shame.
He points out that America’s “embarrassingly poor” sex-education system focuses on avoidance rather than desire, creating a vacuum. This leads to sexual anxieties that are often mislabeled as medical problems like “low sex drive”.
By understanding that our fantasies—even the kinky, taboo, or “weird” ones—are statistically normal and shared by millions, we can “gain the ability to express” them. This knowledge provides “permission to share what it is that really turns us on,” which Lehmiller identifies as the true path to breaking down barriers and achieving “greater sexual fulfillment and… more emotional intimacy”.
3. Themes of Tell Me What You Want
The Seven Pillars of Desire: A Deep Dive into Lehmiller’s Findings
The core of Tell Me What You Want is the categorization of thousands of fantasies into seven dominant themes .
This framework is the book’s most powerful tool for normalizing our inner lives. When I read this section, I was struck by how my own “private” thoughts were reflected in these mass statistics. Let’s look at these themes, as they reveal the true nature of the “American id”.
Theme 1: Multipartner Sex This was the single most popular fantasy, with 89% of participants reporting fantasies about threesomes.
Lehmiller’s data shatters the stereotype that this is just a “guy thing.”
While men were more likely to have these fantasies, “the majority of women reported having each of these sex fantasies as well”.
The book explores the “why” behind this, suggesting it’s less about replacing a partner and more about “amping up our arousal by bringing in another body”. For many, the appeal is “a state of sensory overload”. Lehmiller also notes an interesting gender difference in how people fantasize: heterosexual men strongly prefer two-women-one-man (MWW) scenarios, whereas “heterosexual women’s interest in threesomes doesn’t depend quite as much on the gender ratio”. This points to greater female “erotic flexibility”, a concept we’ll explore later.
Theme 2: Power, Control, and Rough Sex (BDSM) This was the second most popular theme, rivaling group sex.
Again, the data defies stereotypes: “women have more BDSM fantasies of almost every type than men”.
This includes fantasies about bondage (which “more than three-quarters of participants reported” ), submission, and even receiving pain (masochism).
Lehmiller argues this may be because BDSM offers an “escape from self-awareness”. For women, who “are more likely than men to receive cultural messages that they’re not supposed to like or want sex” , the act of submission can be a liberating way “to take you out of your head”. He also covers forced-sex fantasies, noting that while the word “rape” is sometimes used , the fantasies are almost always about “mock rape” and are “about a sex act that occurs on one’s own terms”, where the fantasizer remains in complete control.
Theme 3: Novelty, Adventure, and Variety This category includes everything from trying new acts (like anal sex, which “nearly two-thirds of each sex had fantasized about” ) to new settings (like public sex). This desire is so common, Lehmiller explains, because of the “Coolidge Effect,” our tendency for arousal to “lessen over time in response to the same sexual stimulus”.
Our brains are “evolutionarily programmed for this desire” to seek novelty.
Theme 4: Taboo and Forbidden Sex This is where the book gets really interesting, tackling desires our culture deems “perverted.”
This includes voyeurism (which “most of my participants (60 percent) reported” ), exhibitionism , and fetishes (which “nearly half of the Americans I surveyed (45 percent) reported” ). Lehmiller explains the origin of fetishes through a psychological lens, noting how “sexual arousal reduces our disgust impulses”. He also explains that fetishes often stem from “one-trial learning,” where a “very intense orgasm” happens to be present with a neutral object (like a shoe or fabric), creating a powerful learned association .
Theme 5: Partner Sharing and Nonmonogamy This theme differs from group sex because it’s about relationship structure, such as swinging, open relationships, or cuckolding. The book finds that fantasies about consensual nonmonogamy were “almost ten times more common” than fantasies about cheating.
This suggests “Americans find the prospect of mutually agreeable nonmonogamy much more arousing than the secretive and deceptive kind”.
This finding alone has profound implications for how we structure modern relationships.
Theme 6: Passion and Romance Lest you think the American id is only about kink, Lehmiller confirms we also “crave passion and intimacy with the ones we love”.
These fantasies are “about meeting emotional needs” , such as the fundamental human “need to belong”. This theme was one of the few where women fantasized more frequently than men, though it was common in both.
Theme 7: Erotic Flexibility (Homoeroticism and Gender-Bending) This theme captures desires that “bend” one’s gender or sexual orientation.
This includes the staggering statistic that “59 percent of the women I surveyed who identified as exclusively straight reported having had fantasies about sex with women”. By contrast, only “26 percent of exclusively straight men” reported same-sex fantasies.
This data provides strong support for the theory that women have a more “flexible sexuality” than men.
4. Critical Analysis
Lehmiller’s central thesis is overwhelmingly supported by the sheer scale of his evidence.
The book’s power doesn’t come from new-agey platitudes but from cold, hard numbers. He doesn’t just say BDSM fantasies are common; he reports that “60 percent of participants reported having fantasized about inflicting physical pain… while 65 percent reported having fantasized about receiving physical pain” . This quantitative approach is the book’s greatest asset, moving the conversation from “I feel” to “the data shows.”
He effectively dismantles the idea of “paraphilia” (a non-normative sexual interest) as a synonym for “mental disorder”. He points out that the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) has historically classified normal desires, including homosexuality, as illnesses , and that many desires still listed as “paraphilic” are, in fact, incredibly common.
This logical dismantling of outdated psychiatric labels is both validating and revolutionary.
The content is meticulously organized around those seven key fantasy themes.
This structure is brilliant, as it allows a reader to easily find the “normal” in their “weird.” For example, finding out that group sex was “by far the most common theme to emerge” and that 89 percent of participants fantasized about threesomes is a powerful antidote to shame. His analysis of why these fantasies exist—tying novelty to the “Coolidge Effect” or BDSM to an “escape from self-awareness” —adds a layer of psychological depth that elevates the book beyond a simple data dump.
He also contributes meaningfully to the field by exploring differences in fantasies based on gender, politics, and personality. The finding that Republicans, despite their party’s platform, “were more likely to fantasize about sexual activities that are typically considered immoral—like infidelity and orgies” is a fascinating example of psychological “reactance,” or rebelling against constraints.
The book absolutely fulfills its promise to educate and, in doing so, to heal.
5. Strengths and Weaknesses
My experience reading Tell Me What You Want was profoundly positive, though I recognize it has some challenging aspects.
The book’s primary strength is its compassionate, data-driven approach. As a reader, I never felt judged; I felt understood. Lehmiller’s tone is that of a knowledgeable and empathetic guide, reassuring you that “to fantasize—and to fantasize often—is therefore to be human”.
This validation is, in my opinion, its greatest gift. The sheer breadth of the survey—covering everything from “pegging” to “autogynephilia” (arousal at the thought of oneself as a woman) —means that very few readers will finish the book without finding their own “taboo” interest discussed with scientific neutrality.
Another strength is its practical, actionable advice.
Lehmiller doesn’t just present data; he provides a “how-to” guide.
Chapter 6, “Can Science Save Your Sex Life?”, and Chapter 7, “Visiting Fantasy Island,” are pure gold for couples. He outlines the benefits of disclosure, noting that survey participants who shared their fantasies “reported having the most satisfying sex lives, the happiest relationships, and the fewest difficulties with sexual desire, arousal, and orgasm”. He provides “Sexual Icebreakers” and a “Practical Guide to Enacting Your Sexual Fantasies” , covering crucial steps like establishing a “safe word” and the importance of “aftercare”. This practical application makes the book an invaluable tool, not just an interesting read.
Because it is so data-heavy and committed to its scientific premise, readers looking for a quick, “spicy” read might find it dense.
It’s a psychology book first and a “sex book” second.
I also found the chapter on “What Your Sexual Fantasies Say About You” (Chapter 4) to be particularly insightful.
Lehmiller connects our desires to core personality traits. For example, he found that “people who are high in the personality trait of conscientiousness” —people who are organized and follow rules—”were less likely to fantasize about BDSM, taboo acts, and gender-bending”. This makes perfect sense, as they are “less aroused by the idea of engaging in activities that are seen as culturally forbidden”.
This level of analysis goes beyond simple statistics and gives the reader a genuine “aha!” moment. It helps you understand not just what you want, but why your specific personality might make that fantasy so appealing.
A final strength is its blunt discussion of gender.
Lehmiller tackles the Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus stereotype head-on, calling it “based on stereotypes, not science”.
His data reveals that while some differences exist (women have more emotion-based fantasies , men have more group-sex fantasies ), the overlap is far greater than the difference. He argues the biggest difference is not in what is desired, but in flexibility; women tend to have a more flexible sexual orientation (the “erotic flexibility” mentioned earlier) , while men have more “gender-bending” fantasies (like cross-dressing or autogynephilia). This nuanced take is refreshing and, once again, backed by his survey numbers.
This nuanced discussion is a welcome change from pop-psychology books that rely on lazy tropes.
It treats the reader as an intelligent adult.
6. Reception and Influence
Since its publication, Tell Me What You Want has had a significant impact on the public conversation about sexuality.
It was widely received by critics and readers as a modern successor to the groundbreaking work of Alfred Kinsey, who is aptly quoted in the book’s epigraph: “We are the recorders and reporters of facts, not the judges of the behaviors we describe” .
Publications like Psychology Today, Men’s Health, and The Guardian praised its accessible breakdown of complex topics. The book solidified Dr. Lehmiller’s status as a leading public-facing sex researcher, making him a go-to expert for media outlets seeking to understand the “why” behind sexual trends.
Its influence is most strongly felt in its destigmatization of BDSM. Coming on the heels of the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon , Lehmiller’s book provided the “why” behind the “what,” explaining that BDSM fantasies are not about pathology but often about “an escape from self-awareness” or psychological “reactance”.
This has been incredibly validating for the BDSM community.
However, the book is not without its controversies.
Lehmiller himself anticipates this, particularly in his discussions of gender-bending fantasies. He directly addresses the controversial concept of “autogynephilia”, the idea that some natal men are aroused by the thought of being a woman, which some critics argue pathologizes the trans experience. Lehmiller handles this with care, stating, “While I certainly understand and appreciate these concerns, I am not able to ignore the accumulated evidence… as a scientist, I think it’s important that we recognize this diversity instead of pretending it doesn’t exist”. He balances this by affirming his position as a “trans ally”, but the very inclusion of the topic drew criticism from some activist circles.
Similarly, his finding that sexual victimization is linked to a higher likelihood of having BDSM and gender-bending fantasies is a delicate subject. He correctly argues this is likely a “psychological coping mechanism” and not a sign of pathology, but this correlation is often misinterpreted by those looking to discredit BDSM or trans identities.
These are the necessary complexities of honest, data-driven research.
8. Comparison with Similar Other Works
Tell Me What You Want stands on the shoulders of giants but carves out its own unique space.
The most obvious comparison is to the Kinsey Reports (Sexual Behavior in the Human Male (1948) and Sexual Behavior in the Human Female (1953)). Like Kinsey, Lehmiller uses large-scale survey data to pull back the curtain on what people actually do and desire, rather than what they say they do. Lehmiller’s work is, in many ways, a 21st-century update, with a much stronger focus on the “why” (the psychology) rather than just the “what” (the statistics).
It also shares DNA with The Hite Report (1976) by Shere Hite. Hite used anonymous surveys to explore female sexuality, but her methodology was often criticized, whereas Lehmiller’s work is more academically rigorous and broader in scope, including all genders and orientations.
Where it truly differs from predecessors is its direct self-help application.
It also contrasts sharply with more prescriptive books.
For example, John Gray’s Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus is a book Lehmiller explicitly criticizes for being “based on stereotypes, not science”. While Gray argues for fundamental, almost alien differences, Lehmiller’s data shows the opposite: “most of the things that men fantasize about, women fantasize about as well… there’s actually a lot of commonality”. Another popular contemporary is Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity, which explores the paradox of desire and intimacy. Perel’s work is more philosophical and therapeutic, while Lehmiller’s is empirical and data-grounded; they are excellent companion pieces.
Finally, it’s a fantastic counter-narrative to books like Fifty Shades of Grey. While E.L. James’s novel introduced millions to BDSM themes, Lehmiller’s book explains that the interest was already there, noting that “60 percent of participants reported having fantasized about inflicting physical pain” long before Christian Grey entered the picture.
Lehmiller provides the science for the fiction.
9. Conclusion and Recommendation
Tell Me What You Want is, without exaggeration, one of the most important books on human sexuality to be published in the 21st century.
It’s not just a book; it’s a public service. Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller successfully bridges the gap between rigorous academia and the public’s desperate need for sexual self-understanding. By meticulously documenting the “seven major themes” of our desires, he gives us the vocabulary and the data to finally “stop suppressing our deeper desires”.
My personal recommendation is unequivocal. This book should be required reading for any adult who has ever felt a flicker of shame about their own mind, and it’s an essential tool for therapists, educators, and couples.
It is best suited for the curious and open-minded reader—the person who values science and is ready to challenge their own long-held, culturally-inherited beliefs about sex.
It is also perfect for couples in long-term relationships who feel the “Coolidge Effect” setting in and need a safe, science-backed way to start a conversation about novelty.
Conversely, this book is not for the reader who is looking for simple, black-and-white answers or moral prescriptions. Lehmiller is a “reporter of facts, not the judge of the behaviors”, which may frustrate those seeking a guru to tell them what is “right” or “wrong.” It is also not for those who are easily shocked, as the book deals frankly with every topic imaginable, from “vomerophilia” (arousal by vomit) to “zoonecrophilia” (sex with dead animals) —not because they are common, but to illustrate the vast spectrum of human desire (and to criticize their arbitrary classification as “paraphilias”).
Ultimately, the book’s final lesson is one of empowerment. As Lehmiller concludes, we must “stop using other people’s sexual desires as weapons against them” and recognize that “to be human is to be a bit of a freak in the bedroom”.
Reading this book felt like opening a window in a room that had been sealed shut for a generation. It’s a breath of fresh, validating, and profoundly necessary air.
It doesn’t just give you permission to want—it gives you the science to understand.